Riley’s Redemption
By Jordan Skye
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Chapter 1
“When you figure out your feelings for Kaylie and me, let me know. Maybe I can give you a second chance. But don’t call me or try to find me until you’re sure how you feel about me. I won’t be anyone’s second choice. I want you to choose me. But I can’t force you. It’s up to you and you alone. So until then… goodbye”.
‘It’s been two months’, Riley thought. ‘Two of the longest, fucking excruciatingly lonely and most painful months of my life’. The past two months without Ava had felt like hell. She felt as if a piece of herself had walked out the door at the same time as Ava had. Her last words echoed in Riley’s head. The harshly whispered ‘goodbye’ still cut her to the core.
Riley missed everything about Ava. Even the things she thought she hated. She missed Ava’s presence in her life. There was a gaping hole where Ava had been. Ava had filled a place in Riley’s life that she didn’t know needed filling. She’d taken Ava for granted, just expected her to be there. Now that she wasn’t, it was like Riley’s life had taken a sharp u-turn in a direction she didn’t ever want to go in again.
‘I’ve fucked it all up. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix this.’ Riley’s thoughts staying on Ava as she rode the bus where they had met, to the office where their budding romance had died. It was hard to walk into the office each day. As soon as she stepped off the elevator she saw Ava’s tear stained face, and devastated voice saying those damning words. She struggled through each day, at a loss as to how she was going to keep living without Ava. The empty desk outside her office reminded her of all she had fucked up. It wasn’t just Ava she’d mangled in her mistake. Kaylie hadn’t been the same after either. She had valiantly tried to carry on after her interlude with Riley. But the strain on Riley’s face, and the naked pain in her eyes as they glanced at Kaylie eventually wore her down. She’d resigned a week after. Riley hadn’t bothered to hire a new secretary yet. She didn’t want to, or care that this caused the whole office to buzz about Kaylie’s sudden departure, Riley’s lack of hiring someone to replace her and the apparent apathy Riley showed at work. The rumors flew around her each day, but they fell on deaf ears, deadened with regret.
Riley thought about quitting, but she didn’t want to lose her apartment too. It was the only place left with good memories of Ava. Her lingering presence in the apartment haunted Riley at night, but it brought her comfort too. She treasured the faint aroma that was Ava, cuddled with a sweater she hadn’t returned on purpose, and reveled in the memories. The pain of her absence eased only in slumber, where Riley dreamed of them together. Their last sexscapade replayed itself in her mind over and over, and she ached in her very core.
Ava’s words had hurt, but Riley had stuck to them. She hadn’t tried to call her or look for her. She’d taken the advice and tried to figure out what she wanted. Even before Kaylie had quit she’d realized the depth of her feelings for Ava. She’d just been too scared to realize it in time. That fear had driven her to act on an impulse she never would have given in to at any other time. She was in love with Ava. And because she’d not realized it in time, she’d lost the best thing to ever happen to her. She let her past rule her present. She’d seen that Ava was falling in love with her, and ignored it because she wasn’t ready to deal with it. Ava had let her, so that she wouldn’t push Riley away, but it had fallen apart anyway. Riley was the one to fuck it all up. Ava had done so much for Riley, and Riley had done the one thing to hurt Ava the most. She would never forgive herself for causing Ava that type of pain.
With this last thought Riley sat down and tried to start her day. She knew that she was close to a break down if she didn’t keep control of herself. She had to box up her feelings for the day, and set them aside. She was useless like this, and she knew it. Taking a bracing breath, she focused on the file in front of her. As the information in front of her finally sank in, her dark thoughts settled to the back of her head, and she got down to work.
Chapter 2
Ava felt lighter. She’d been so down lately and today was the first day that she felt as if her feet weren’t full of concrete. She didn’t feel that she had to drag herself out of bed this morning; she’d actually looked forward to getting up. ‘I must finally be moving on’. She’d been knocked so far down at first by Riley’s betrayal that she’d been suicidal. That lasted for about a day, before she realized that it was ridiculous to let someone else have that power over her. She’d still been devastated, but didn’t have those desperate feelings anymore. She knew eventually that she’d move on, but was content to wallow in her heartache. Over the two months she’d thought about Riley and their every moment together. In the last two weeks or so those thoughts weren’t so often. She was letting Riley go. She thought that Riley would have called her or tried to see her at least once in that time, but it didn’t happen. She waited, and waited and then lost hope. So she had gathered up the last bit of pride left, and started to heal.
‘I feel good’ she thought as she walked to the bus stop. She had changed the route she took to avoid Riley. ‘That’s going to change tomorrow. I didn’t do anything wrong. If it makes her uncomfortable to see me, she can change her route!’ This last thought gave her back a little of the pep she had before. She walked with a little bounce in her step and continued on her way. Today was going to be a good day.
Chapter 3
Today was not a good day. Riley was down to her last thread of patience. The next person to ask for a file that she didn’t have or didn’t know where Kaylie had filed it, she was going to blow. It wasn’t that it had been a hard day, just a long and tiring one. She wasn’t sure how much more of this she could stand. She needed a break or she was going to snap. She stood up, and walked out of the office without a word. She ignored the stares, and whispers surrounding her as she jabbed the elevator button repeatedly. With a grateful sigh, she stepped into the elevator.
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Ava knew that it was risky being in Riley’s office building mid-day, but she had to see someone else on another floor. It couldn’t be helped. Knowing that Riley was a workaholic she didn’t really think she would run into her, as Riley never took a lunch away from her desk. She walked to the elevator and pushed the button. She glanced around the lobby while waiting for the elevator car to arrive. She felt strong enough, that even if she saw Riley she could handle it. She turned around as the ding announced the arrival of the car, and watched the doors open. Her heart stalled as the opening doors revealed the object of her thoughts. The momentary lapse caused her to stumble, as her heart started to slam back into an erratic rhythm. A gasp flew past her lips unbidden. The sound cause Riley’s head to come up and her eyes locked on Ava. The pain in Riley’s eyes caused a flutter of sympathy in Ava that she quickly locked down. But she couldn’t help but soften as Riley took a shaky step towards her. The doors started to close and Ava shot out a hand to stop it. Riley stepped all the way out, and stood still in front of Ava. Her mouth started to move like she wanted to say something, but no words emerged just a pain filled moan. Then very softly she uttered Ava’s name.
Hearing her name on Riley’s lips again, brought Ava out of her trance. She shook herself and stepped back from Riley. She was about to turn away to push the call button on the elevator again, when a hesitant touch on her arm brought her back around. The soft barely there touch on her arm set her nerves to tingle. It traveled up her arm, and set her body alight. It was reminiscent of the first time they’d met, and that reminder caused her to flush with the memories of what had happened immediately after. It brought all the feelings for Riley that she had thought were gone rushing back to the forefront. Then immediately following that thrill came a shock of pain so strong tears pooled in her eyes. She once again stepped back from Riley.
“Wait” Riley finally said. It came out harshly due to the conflicting emotions flooding her. She was so happy to finally see Ava again, but was filled with a raw pain that came with knowing what she’d done to Ava the last time she’d seen her. She wanted to apologize, and kiss her at the same time. Knowing that neither would go over well, she stood silent until Ava looked at her again.
“I know you probably hate me…but will you give me a minute?”
Ava immediately wanted to correct her, but kept quiet. She didn’t want Riley to know how close she had been to getting over her, and then have it all come rushing back. She didn’t want Riley to know she still had power over Ava, a power she had worked hard to exercise these past two months. She’d realized the only thing she’d succeeded in doing was lying to herself enough to make her believe she was over Riley.
“You have one minute. Then I’m going to get in the elevator and pretend that I never saw you”.
Ava’s harsh words belied how she felt inside. She saw them strike home, causing the pain to deepen in Riley’s eyes. Ava saw it, tried to harden her heart and failed.
“I deserve that” Riley answered when her breath came back. “I deserve that, and more. I deserve so much more than that, and yet anything you do to me won’t make up for how much I hurt you” She rushed.
The admittance surprised Ava. The self hatred was evident. Riley’s tone had Ava paying more attention. She noticed that Riley’s face looked hollow, she’d lost weight, and she hunched like it was hard to stand up straight.
“I will never forgive myself for what I did. There are no excuses or reasons strong enough to justify what I did. The only thing I can say for myself is I was scared. Scared enough to do something so stupid.”
‘Scared?’ Ava thought. ‘Of what?’ This thought bothered her enough that she had to ask.
“What were you so afraid of? Me? My feelings for you? The future? Any or all of the above? What did I do to make you afraid? I did everything I could to make you happy!”
Riley hesitated. Ava wasn’t sure she was going to answer and felt herself growing angry. “See, you don’t even know what you are talking about. You just did what you wanted. Scared? No, I don’t think scared is what you were. Trapped is what you felt. And you found a way out.” With that Ava finally turned and started to walk away.
“I was scared to fall in love with you. But I did anyway. I just didn’t realize it in time.”
Riley’s softly whispered words barely reached Ava through her anger, but she couldn’t stop them from winding around her heart and squeezing tightly. The words and the pain once again halted her. A flutter of hope welled up and she struggled to push it away. She slowly turned around, afraid that what she heard was real and terrified that it wasn’t at the same time. It was what she had longed to hear for so long. For it to come now after so long seemed so cruel, but she couldn’t stop herself from feeling a new wave of love and longing for Riley. It was said so achingly and perfectly echoed her pain of the last few months.
Ava looked at Riley. Riley’s gaze was on the floor. She looked so forlorn, standing there as if the weight of the world sat on her strong shoulders. Ava’s footsteps coming closer brought her attention back up, and surprise now flooded her eyes.
“You were scared because you were falling in love with me? That’s what pushed you away? Not because I was in love with you? Not because I trapped you in a relationship you didn’t want? Not because I tried everything to keep you when I felt you pulling away? It was because YOU were in love with ME? How does that make any sense?” Ava’s tone was confused.
“Because all my life I was in control of everything. All my relationships were on my terms. When they got too complicated I cut my losses and didn’t look back. I thought falling in love meant that I’d lose that control. It was all I had. It worked for me. So I never let myself feel anything more than lust. Then I met you. And you changed EVERYTHING. You turned my life upside down in one night. I felt something snap the day I met you. I thought I could do the same thing as before. Have a good time, and move on without missing a beat. But you got under my skin, and I couldn’t let you go. I wasn’t in control of myself anymore. You filled a hole in me I didn’t know existed. You made me feel complete for the first time. These last two months I’ve felt half alive, barely there without you. You’re a vital part of my life, and I don’t know if I can live without you anymore.”
Ava gasped. “What does that mean?”
“It means that I will do anything to prove that I love you. I will beg and plead and do anything I have to do to get you back.”
“What about Kaylie? What happened with her?”
Riley knew that question was inevitable. “She’s gone. She left a week after it happened. I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t know where she is. But I gave her a great reference. It was the least I could do after all I did. But I realized even before she left that I was crazy about you, and crazy to not have realized it sooner.”
Ava had thought that the reason Riley had never called her was because she had picked Kaylie. That more than anything had killed her.
“So if you realized that so soon after, why didn’t you try to call me? What took you so long? I waited and waited for you. I thought you were with Kaylie. If I had known you weren’t, I probably would have broken down and called you. But the thought that you picked her over me kept me angry and strong.”
“I couldn’t call you. I couldn’t stand to hear your voice tell me goodbye again. I didn’t ever want to hear that again. So I thought about what you said, and I was honest with myself about why I did what I did. I was confused about how fast we were moving. And I’d always liked Kaylie. I had thought about taking a break from you to see if I could work out my feelings for both of you. I never wanted to cheat; even if we weren’t officially together what I did was cheating. But what I felt for her was nothing. It was a momentary lapse in judgment. It doesn’t compare to even a fraction of what I feel for you. But I found that out too late. And I can only blame myself for not being honest with you. Or with Kaylie. I hurt you both. But your face. I will never forget your face…..I broke your heart and ….” Riley stopped speaking as a sob escaped her. The tears that had pooled slowly slid down as she continued “You trusted me with your heart and I broke it…….I don’t know if you can ever forgive me. But I want to try to make it up to you; I want a chance to fix what I broke. You may never fully trust me, but I think I can live with that, as long as you let me try….I just want to try.” She stopped finally and just cried, her eyes begging Ava.
Ava couldn’t stand to see Riley in so much pain. She knew that however much pain Riley had put her through was nothing to what she was doing to herself. She was the epitome of the phrase ‘my own worst enemy’. Ava saw the sincerity of what Riley was saying. Riley was willing to beg Ava to take her back, she was willing to humiliate herself, to grovel at Ava’s feet. Riley looked so tired and broken, and that more than anything finally dissolved Ava’s reluctance to accept what she was hearing.
“You love me? You absolutely know that you love me? You have no doubts or hesitations about it? You would do anything to prove that to me? How about you start with actually saying it.” Ava said defiantly, daring Riley to finally say what she never could before.
“I…love you. So much. It hurts how much I love you.” Riley stated plainly. “I think I fell in love with you that first night. You were my dream come true, but I didn’t know that I was waiting for that to happen.”
Ava had braced herself for hearing those three little words, but the sudden overwhelming sensation at how baldly they were said stripped her bare. The simple honesty in Riley’s voice silenced every last doubt she had, and she finally let herself feel all that she’d been holding back.
“Oh, Riley! I waited so long for you to say that! Why did you have to be so stupid and not realize what we had!” Ava stepped forward until she was touching Riley. She looked into those gorgeous, shimmering eyes and finally said what she wanted to tell Riley two months ago. “I love you Riley. I love you so much. I fell in love with you that night too, but I knew it was too soon. I waited for you to realize what was happening. If I’d known how you felt, I could have helped you. We could have worked on it together. I didn’t want you to feel stuck. I didn’t want you to run away. I never knew that you could possibly feel the same. But you don’t have to prove anything to me. You’ve shown me all I need to see. I know that what happened hurt you more than I’ll ever know. What happened, happened, and it’s in the past. I want you to know that it’s really in the past for me. I won’t ever bring it up against you. I don’t want you to feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s dropped. It’s forgotten. I let it go that day. I just needed you to realize what you wanted. Because I love you, all of you. And I want you to love me and only me.”
“I do. I love you and only you. I don’t deserve you, but I love you.” Riley said.
“You do deserve me. It just took you a long time to realize that. Everyone deserves to be happy. Especially you. Eventually you’ll realize that too. But it’ll take a little longer.”
Riley’s eyes had brightened and she straightened up, standing tall for the first time in months. She felt like a weight had been lifted. Ava had lifted the weight. Her heart beat without pain and she took a deep cleansing breath. She felt clean, and whole again. Ava loved her. Even after all she had done, Ava loved her. The wonder and amazement made her dizzy. She couldn’t believe how she could be so lucky. She was just selfish enough to take what was being offered. She knew she couldn’t live without Ava now. Not ever again. She’d do whatever she had to, to live up to the faith Ava was placing in her. She was going to start believing in herself. And learn to give up some control. It wasn’t so scary when you had someone to catch you. Ava was willing to catch her.
Riley finally realized that they were still in the lobby of her building. She noticed that people were looking in their direction. She wiped her eyes and grabbed Ava’s hand. “Do you think we can finish discussing this someplace else?” Riley asked hopefully.
“Where were you thinking?” Ava asked knowingly.
“How about my place?” Riley asked playfully, softly tugging on Ava’s arm, leading her to the door.
“What about work? Don’t you have to go back?” Ava said seriously.
“If I went back to work now, I’d quit, and I kinda need my job. So I’m just going to tell them I got sick. Plus, do you really want me to go back to work? Or do you want to go back to my place, and make up properly?” She lifted her eyebrow questioningly.
“Hmmm, let me think for a second” Ava pretended to think it over before blurting “Definitely back to your place. I think we need to do a lot of making up. It might even take us all day, and most of the night to make up.”
“I hope it takes that long to make up. I missed you so much. It might take longer than that. I have a lot to make up for. Two months to be exact. Can you handle it?”
“I think we both know just what I’m capable of ‘handling’, or do you need a reminder?” Ava put her arm around Riley’s waist and let it slide down one curvaceous hip, gave a quick squeeze and continued down to where her hands really wanted to be, Riley’s gorgeous ass.
“You know, we are still in the building where I work.”
“Not for long” came the reply.
“Thank god for that!” Riley stated happily as they walked out the door, and into a new stage in their relationship. Riley had been forgiven; she had found redemption in Ava. Ava loved her, and she loved Ava with everything she had. Today was going to be a good day after all.